Jun

13

Bruschetta.

Filed Under Humor | Leave a Comment

Not being an Italian speaker by any stretch of the imagination, I had to look up to make sure I’m not mad in believing that “bruschetta” is pronounced “brus-ketta.” Apparently I’m not mad.

Which makes a recent Not Always Right entry particularly amusing. For the uninitiated, Not Always Right has world-weary retailers, waiters, and call center operatives dealing with frustratingly annoying and particularly stupid or obtuse customers. As in, mantra notwithstanding, the customer is Not Always Right. And usually, they’re relatively amusing diversions.

But this particular entry has a waiter delivering “bru-SHET-ta” chicken pasta, being chastised by his customer that she ordered the “bra-SKET-ta” pasta, the waiter redelivering the same dish and referring it to the same patron but this time calling it “bra-SKET-ta” pasta, and the waiter submitting the story to Not Always Right as a way of laughing at the customer for her stupidity behind her back. A neat twist on a familiar conceit? Or a mistake on the part of the publishers?

Mar

12

Closer to Fine.

Filed Under Humor, Music | 1 Comment

In this morning’s newspaper, someone mentioned the Indigo Girls. Apparently they’re playing the Puget Sound region in the near future. Or something. Immediately, what popped into my head was “Closer to Fine,” the only Indigo Girls song I can recollect at this point. Only it wasn’t the Indigo Girls version that reared its ugly head. No, it was Lore Sjöberg’s torturous stuttered loop, “Your Roommate Plays the Indigo Girls.” Unfortunately, what with Brunching Shuttlecocks now defunct for so long, “Your Roommate” is no longer available there. And thus I was unable to revisit the pain of watching an animated roommate play the guitar badly, jumping around to various parts of “Closer to Fine,” ad infinitum. Instead, I had to look slightly deeper in the search results to find solace.

Mar

10

Generic Oscar bait.

Filed Under Humor | 1 Comment

Similar to the amusing formula news, the following is a film trailer for generic Oscar bait. I especially liked the homoerotic undertones in both the superficially straight romantic leads.

[From scanners.]

Feb

25

My brother Darryl and my other brother Darryl.

Filed Under Humor | Leave a Comment

When Hooray for Boobies was released, I was working on The Medium. The sensibilities seemed so convergent, I assumed something more than coincidence was going on. How did Jimmy Pop, et al. know I was considering wearing her face like a mask while I did my little kooky dance? That I was busy beating off to Chasey Lain gag porn? That I had a difficult time coming up with cool things to say about New Jersey? And that I too worshiped the ground on which Bob Newhart walked?

I was just the other day commenting to my brother how Bob Newhart’s cameo during “The Simpsons“–accidentally and awkwardly eulogizing Krusty the Klown–was one of the funniest things ever. And how it made me want to go back and revisit “The Bob Newhart Show,” The Button-Down Mind, and Elf.

Jan

30

Formula news.

Filed Under Humor | 4 Comments

[From scanners.]

Jan

21

Spineless.

Filed Under Humor, Politics | 1 Comment

My contempt for the “big tent” Republicans for letting the God boys run the show is actually starting to pale in comparison to my contempt for the Democrats’ defeatism in the post-Coakley environment. To help me cope, I’ve been chuckling to David Rees’ latest round of jokes.

Jan

21

Voir dire comedy.

Filed Under Humor, Law | Leave a Comment

Aborted trial today. Half time compromise to avoid, primarily, mistrial from improper charging decision. And overall low quality and quantity of evidence. But voir dire more amusing than usual. Process works like this:

The twenty or so individuals who show up for jury duty fill the room. Judge asks them generic questions, like “have you heard of this case?” “are you related to or close friends with law enforcement?” and “is there any reason you could not be fair and impartial if you were chosen to be seated on this case?” The prosecutor then has twenty minutes or so to inquire directly. Then defense counsel has twenty minutes. Prosecutor gets another five, then defense get another five.

Today, one juror disclosed early on that her parents were killed by a drunk driver, and that what with this being a DUI case, she didn’t believe she could be fair and impartial. Good for her: candor is welcome.

Thing was, it opened the door for the wackos. One juror actually said, and I’m paraphrasing, “I was once stopped for DUI. I’d been out drinking with the chief of a tribe on the res in Idaho. We both drove–drunk–in our respective cars. Got stopped by tribal police. They felt because they weren’t going to prosecute him–he was the chief, after all–they couldn’t prosecute me.” Prosecutor followed up: “learn any lessons from that experience?” Response: “I try harder not to drink and drive so much.”

Another juror, possibly trying to use a variation on Homer Simpson’s prejudiced against all races ruse, indicated he believed my client was guilty based upon the fact of the charges and the fact that a law enforcement officer was listed as a potential witness. Moreover, he unequivocally indicated he didn’t give a rat’s ass what the judge had to say, he was going to consider my client guilty no matter the instructions or evidence.

The best was a woman who apparently had been the official driver of a three-time DUI-convictee niece. Her niece had been prosecuted by the same prosecutor trying this case. And she was angry with him that he hadn’t been harder on her. She also indicated that “no one gets pulled over who hasn’t done something wrong” because “every time I get pulled over, I’ve done something wrong.” And glowered at me repeatedly, but with an eerie smile on her face.

Got voir dire stories of your own that you can share?

Nov

20

American-flag cake.

Filed Under Humor | 2 Comments

Apparently, The Onion has a new book out. One of headlines. So a couple of editors were interviewed on Morning Edition. Poorly interviewed, I might add. Note to reporters everywhere: repeating jokes without the benefit of a practiced delivery, then laughing, does not make for good news coverage. Repeating the same mistake over and over? Easy fail.

Nevertheless, I found myself tearing up when the 9/11 coverage was mentioned. Specifically, the Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake story. I don’t know why, but most 9/11-themed media coverage leaves me cold. No significant reaction during “The Daily Show” coverage, or United 93. But The Onion’s “Holy Fucking Shit” pieces, and Howard Stern’s original 9/11 broadcast, fuck me up every time. Whether off-hand and unexpected, or the core focus, I’m Sobby McSobstein when it comes to The Onion and men driving planes into skyscrapers.

Sep

17

Charlie Rose, by Samuel Beckett.

Filed Under Humor | Leave a Comment

“Google? No, we’re not gonna do that.”

In an inspired bit of editing, some fellow has pieced together one of the most existentially hillarious uses of Charlie Rose to date, surpassing even the great “Peter Bradley Show.”

[From growabrain.]

Sep

15

Let’s have a Patrick Swayze Christmas.

Filed Under Film, Humor | 1 Comment

Today there is sadness over the passing of an acting giant. [Aside: why do all my favorite actors play chesters from time to time. Patrick Swayze in Donnie Darko. Dylan Baker in Happiness. Kevin Bacon in, well, everything.]

Mr. Swayze, in your honor, I’ll pledge this year, I’ll make it a Patrick Swayze Christmas. You, dear reader, should as well. Or I’ll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear.

keep looking »