Jan

30

Formula news.

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[From scanners.]

Jan

21

Spineless.

Filed Under Humor, Politics | 1 Comment

My contempt for the “big tent” Republicans for letting the God boys run the show is actually starting to pale in comparison to my contempt for the Democrats’ defeatism in the post-Coakley environment. To help me cope, I’ve been chuckling to David Rees’ latest round of jokes.

Jan

21

Voir dire comedy.

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Aborted trial today. Half time compromise to avoid, primarily, mistrial from improper charging decision. And overall low quality and quantity of evidence. But voir dire more amusing than usual. Process works like this:

The twenty or so individuals who show up for jury duty fill the room. Judge asks them generic questions, like “have you heard of this case?” “are you related to or close friends with law enforcement?” and “is there any reason you could not be fair and impartial if you were chosen to be seated on this case?” The prosecutor then has twenty minutes or so to inquire directly. Then defense counsel has twenty minutes. Prosecutor gets another five, then defense get another five.

Today, one juror disclosed early on that her parents were killed by a drunk driver, and that what with this being a DUI case, she didn’t believe she could be fair and impartial. Good for her: candor is welcome.

Thing was, it opened the door for the wackos. One juror actually said, and I’m paraphrasing, “I was once stopped for DUI. I’d been out drinking with the chief of a tribe on the res in Idaho. We both drove–drunk–in our respective cars. Got stopped by tribal police. They felt because they weren’t going to prosecute him–he was the chief, after all–they couldn’t prosecute me.” Prosecutor followed up: “learn any lessons from that experience?” Response: “I try harder not to drink and drive so much.”

Another juror, possibly trying to use a variation on Homer Simpson’s prejudiced against all races ruse, indicated he believed my client was guilty based upon the fact of the charges and the fact that a law enforcement officer was listed as a potential witness. Moreover, he unequivocally indicated he didn’t give a rat’s ass what the judge had to say, he was going to consider my client guilty no matter the instructions or evidence.

The best was a woman who apparently had been the official driver of a three-time DUI-convictee niece. Her niece had been prosecuted by the same prosecutor trying this case. And she was angry with him that he hadn’t been harder on her. She also indicated that “no one gets pulled over who hasn’t done something wrong” because “every time I get pulled over, I’ve done something wrong.” And glowered at me repeatedly, but with an eerie smile on her face.

Got voir dire stories of your own that you can share?

Nov

20

American-flag cake.

Filed Under Humor | 2 Comments

Apparently, The Onion has a new book out. One of headlines. So a couple of editors were interviewed on Morning Edition. Poorly interviewed, I might add. Note to reporters everywhere: repeating jokes without the benefit of a practiced delivery, then laughing, does not make for good news coverage. Repeating the same mistake over and over? Easy fail.

Nevertheless, I found myself tearing up when the 9/11 coverage was mentioned. Specifically, the Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake story. I don’t know why, but most 9/11-themed media coverage leaves me cold. No significant reaction during “The Daily Show” coverage, or United 93. But The Onion’s “Holy Fucking Shit” pieces, and Howard Stern’s original 9/11 broadcast, fuck me up every time. Whether off-hand and unexpected, or the core focus, I’m Sobby McSobstein when it comes to The Onion and men driving planes into skyscrapers.

Sep

17

Charlie Rose, by Samuel Beckett.

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“Google? No, we’re not gonna do that.”

In an inspired bit of editing, some fellow has pieced together one of the most existentially hillarious uses of Charlie Rose to date, surpassing even the great “Peter Bradley Show.”

[From growabrain.]

Sep

15

Let’s have a Patrick Swayze Christmas.

Filed Under Film, Humor | 1 Comment

Today there is sadness over the passing of an acting giant. [Aside: why do all my favorite actors play chesters from time to time. Patrick Swayze in Donnie Darko. Dylan Baker in Happiness. Kevin Bacon in, well, everything.]

Mr. Swayze, in your honor, I’ll pledge this year, I’ll make it a Patrick Swayze Christmas. You, dear reader, should as well. Or I’ll tear your throat out and kick you in the ear.

Sep

13

Glenn Beck.

Filed Under Broadcast Media, Humor, Law | 1 Comment

I remember innocently going to a movie several months ago and beings subjected to a crying Glenn Beck in an advertisement for his concert film. Or something. I assumed at the time Mr. Beck was a Dane Cook-style comedian, i.e. unfunny, incoherently popular, and, from my perspective, completely out-of-the-blue.

Later, I learned he is a broadcast media personality with an apparently popular book. To date, I have never heard anything he’s said, and never read anything he’s written. So I’m not really in a position to judge the phenomenon.

But his name keeps coming up. Routinely mentioned in the newspaper in the same breath as Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. The supposed source of controversial statements regarding Obama being a racist. Protests over his being given the key to the City of Mount Vernon, Washington. And, now, DidGlennBeckRapeAndMurderAYoungGirlIn1990.com, formerly GlennBeckRapedAndMurderedAYoungGirlIn1990.com. Which, despite knowing virtually nothing about Glenn Beck, tickles me. Not so much for the content–it’s pretty straightforward satire the cursed negative proof and apparent use by Mr. Beck–but because Glenn Beck is apparently so humorless that he’s threatened then took legal action.

Sep

11

The children of Brigham Young vs. reality.

Filed Under Humor, Print Media | 1 Comment

Orson Scott Card vs. Reality

Sep

5

Voyager vs. The B-52s.

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I never watched much in the way of Star Trek, even less so after Next Generation went off the air. So I’m not at all familiar with the visuals here, and don’t really know who the characters are, although I’m told they’re from Voyager. Nor do I have any idea what the hell is supposed to be going on. It doesn’t seem to matter, though. Very little does when you’re using the poetry of Fred Schneider, which is invariably a parasol on an otherwise oppressively sunny day. Marvelous.

May

10

Motherlover.

Filed Under Humor | 3 Comments

In the continuing genius that is the union of Andy Samberg Justin Timberlake behold “Motherlover,” which ponders how to make Mother’s Day truly special.

I like the idea of the same person being your step-son and step-father. I also like the idea of JT and Susan Sarandon.

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