Judge Hires Assassin to "Get on TV"

by christopher taylor

WACO, TX--Municipal Court Judge John Roberts watched his peers--including Rowland Barnes and Joan Humphrey Lefkow--get significant media coverage when their lives were peppered with gun violence. And Judge Roberts thought: "why not me?"

"Having spent several years as assistant prosecutor, I knew where to find the sorts of criminals that associate with assassins," Judge Roberts said. "Embezzlers, cattle rustlers, and child molesters. They should be able to put me in touch with a hired gun."

Judge Roberts talked with several candidates this morning.

"I just wasn't sure if I wanted an immigrant," explained Judge Roberts. "I figure Lefkow may have beat that angle to death, what with Ross being from Poland and all. Also, should I have a Barnes-style shooting spree at the courthouse? Or a hit on my goddamn wife? And should I limit my hiring to those who I sentenced? So many choices..."