by christopher taylor

WASHINGTON, DC—-White House counsel Alberto Gonzales vowed on Monday to "cease any kitten burning activities," assuming the Senate confirms his nomination for Attorney General.

"I cannot believe the Department of Justice is still using young felines to heat its offices," said Gonzales. "It is frankly quite appalling what has been going on under Ashcroft's watch. The waste especially. Have you any idea how much a metric ton of live kittens costs? And the kind of mess they create in the coal chute?"