Bush: "Kerry" Is Osama Bin Laden in Rubber Mask

by christopher taylor

THE VILLAGES, FL--U.S. President George W. Bush attacked U.S. Senator John Kerry during a campaign rally in Florida today, claiming the presidential candidate from Massachusetts is actually "Osama Bin Laden, in disguise."

"We've been looking high and low, near and far, in Afghanistan and Iraq for Osama Bin Laden for over two years now," Bush stated. "Our search is over. We've found the al-Qaeda leader. He is here in this country. He is running for President of the United States. He goes by the name John Kerry."

Bush went on to explain that the Federal Bureau of Investigation recently stumbled upon the real Kerry, emaciated and shivering, in a hole outside of Worcester.

"The real John Kerry is a national hero. And perhaps after he has recovered, he will return to public service and benefit his country just as he did in the past," fawned Bush. "But the imposter Kerry, the flip-flopper in the rubber mask who masterminded the attacks on New York and Washington on September the Eleventh, who voted against funding our troops after voting to go to war, and who wants your unborn child to be exterminated...he must be stopped."

The Bush Administration is currently taking steps to remove "John Kerry" from November's presidential ballots.

"We have our work cut out for us. Bin Laden wisely manipulated the voting system to appear in all 50 states," explained U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft. "He also seems to have manipulated the voting system to prevent access for other legitimate candidates, like Ralph Nader, in order to divert the votes of the trusting into his supporting extremist positions. He even has libelists like Michael Moore trying to bribe potential voters with food and clothing in order to gain more support for radical Islam and plane crashes."

Kerry is reportedly "recuperating" in an undisclosed location, and should be available for comment sometime next spring.