Unlucky South African Contracts AIDS After Eating Raped Infant

by christopher taylor

JOHANNESBURG, ZA--A South African man unwittingly contracted AIDS yesterday after eating an HIV-infected six-month-old, served to him by his angry wife during the noon day meal as punishment for raping and murdering the child only two weeks prior. The Sandton native, who refuses to give his name because "it might scare the pussy away," admits he is perturbed by his spouse's actions, and promises to "beat the living shit out of her."

"I had to teach him a lesson," said the man's wife, unapologetic for condemning her husband to a slow, painful death. "He was fucking around quite a bit. So much so that he told me on a number of occasions that he must have HIV by now. So I started fucking around, and became infected. Now he won't touch me."

"I only raped that baby because I was sure I was infected," the man claimed. "My heroin addict friends told me that boning a virgin is a cure-all."

The infant's autopsy report, however, showed a different story. "The babe not only wasn't a virgin," explained city coroner Louis Shipalana, "she was infected. Funny, no?"

The man's wife, after learning the situation from former lover Shipalana, decided to play a prank on her husband. "I chopped up that baby and put it in a stew," said the woman. "He ate it right up. And now he's infected too! Maybe now he'll give me the dicking I've been missing."

Former South African President Nelson Mandela could not be reached for comment.