Kerry Taps "Pretty Boy" Edwards

by christopher taylor

PITTSBURGH--Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee and U.S. Senator John Kerry announced this morning that the relatively sexy John Edwards would serve as his running mate in November's election.

"I am pleased to announce, that with your help, the next vice president of the United States will be Senator John Edwards of North Carolina," Kerry told a rally in downtown Pittsburgh.

Kerry called Edwards "a champion for middle class Americans," and "hot enough to make the female voters dripping with lust."

"While Kerry is clearly the best candidate for president, he is something of an ugly man. His pronounced jowls have been turning off voters...literally," said Mary Beth Cahill, Kerry's campaign manager. "So we asked John Edwards to help our campaign seem more attractive."

Brain-dead comedian Chris Kattan, who once played Edwards on television, quipped, "I'd have to be pretty drunk to sleep with Kerry, but Edwards is dreamy enough to make the pairing more delicious than Bush. Did I just say that out loud?"