Only Fat People Drive Cars, Study Finds

by christopher taylor

ATLANTA--People who are fat are 100% more likely than their thinner counterparts to drive automobiles, a recent study found.

"We found the results shocking," said project overseer Lawrence Frank. "Apparently the svelte don't drive."

"Obesity and its accompanying ailments apparently prevent, or at least discourage, the use of other modes of transportation," Frank continued. "Walking, biking, riding the bus...these activities require a slender ass."

"I would never date a motorist," slim actress Charlize Theron admitted. "They're all so disgustingly zaftig."

"I am repulsed by the rolls of flab," commented reedy presidential candidate Ralph Nader. "So I'm going to help the environment and my prejudice by dubbing roadways 'unsafe at any speed.' "

Due to the recent heat wave, fat people had their windows up and air conditioner blaring, and could not be contacted for comment.