General Mills To Produce "Liponacl" Brand Atkins-Friendly Snacks

by christopher taylor

MINNEAPOLIS—General Mills, Inc. announced today is has started production on a new line of snack foods, under the new "Liponacl ™" brand, designed with followers of Robert Atkins’ low-carbohydrate diet in mind.

"Liponacl is truly a remarkable achievement. We have designed several varieties of snack foods with no sugar and no carbohydrates. America’s love affair with fat and salt can continue," said General Mills’ President, Consumer Foods Sales Jeffrey J. Rotsch. "My personal favorites include our Brynyoyl ™ bacon-flavored beverages and our PlastiCherrioSnacKibble ™ steak-and-eggs mix."

"Thank God the snack food industry finally listened," commented Atkins dieter Juan Valdez. "I’m so sick of picking up a bag of chips only to discover potatoes and cornmeal on its list of ingredients. I can’t eat that shit."

Analysts predict General Mills’ Liponacl to do well, though they wonder what kind of effect the product line will have on the nation’s waistline.

"If everyone starts consuming Liponacl instead of Fritos, Pepsi and Grandma Utz, the nation will no longer be considered the bastion of obesity we’ve worked so hard to become. And then where will the Big & Tall stores be? They’ll have to spend thousands of dollars adjusting their signs to read ‘Tall & Tall’. Which sounds stupid," economic analyst Jonathan Schwartz stated. "Do we really want plus sized models to go the way of buggy-whip salesmen?"