Local Man Sues "Upper Class" For Insurance Premium Increases

by christopher taylor

AKRON, OH--Peter Jacobs has had enough. "My automobile insurance premiums kept getting higher and higher. I couldn't understand it. I wasn't adding children to my policy, or getting speeding tickets. Then I looked around at my fellow commuters."

Jacobs realized that Akron's "upper crust" were driving vehicles valued "at least four times" his 1998 Saturn SL. "My insurance rate increase is clearly caused by the increase in the number of expensive cars on the road."

So Jacobs did what any red-blooded American would: he sued. Jacobs is attempting to bring a class action suit on behalf of "my brothers with older cars", naming "all those rich guys with Jaguars and BMWs" as defendants. Specifically, Jacobs is seeking an amount of "about $100 per person, per year" from all persons driving a vehicle whose Blue Book value exceeds $20,000, to be distributed evenly to all those owning a vehicle valued at less than $5,000, according to his lawyer Jacob Peters.

"We believe that if people stopped paying so much money for cars, there would be a substantial decrease in the average size of insurance claims, and therefore a drop in premiums," stated Peters. "People should buy a Hyundai, not a Mercedes."

Rudolph Albano, one of the twelve named defendants, shares much of his commute with Jacobs. "The suit is ridiculous. This Jacobs character has no evidence that the increases in his insurance premiums have anything to do with higher sticker prices. And he has even less evidence that I am somehow responsible. Maybe he was grouped in with sloppy drivers because of where he lives. Maybe he is driving a death trap. And maybe my $53,000 H2 in already accounted for in my insurance rates. I don't know. He doesn't either."

A representative from State Farm quipped, "We're staying officially neutral, but wouldn't it be great if everyone drove cheaply-replaceable tin cans? I mean, think of our profit margins!"