MARS (Not To Be Confused with SARS) Outbreak in Georgia

by christopher taylor

MACON, GA--Over three hundred cases of MARS, or Mild Acute Respiratory Syndrome, were reported by area doctors yesterday, following an exhaustive but ultimately unfruitful search for instances of the media-saturated SARS virus.

"Atlanta keeps hogging all the SARS news, what with the CDC and Ted Turner being based there," complained Macon Mayor C. Jack Ellis. "So we asked Coliseum Medical Center and other local health facilities to look for cases of SARS."

"No one we tested showed any evidence of being infected with SARS," said Dr. Victoria Snelling. "But I did find several cases of the common cold. Excuse me, 'MARS'."

"When my doctor told me I had MARS, I initially thought she meant the Red Planet," said victim number 23, William Blake. "But then she explained it was a disease, similar to SARS. Of course I freaked out and called the Center for Disease Control."

"We are not currently looking at 'MARS'. This is not a new or particularly dangerous disease," CDC Spokesman Sonny Valerio insisted. "And please stop calling us with chicken soup recipes. We're very busy, what with real diseases like smallpox and AIDS. Not to mention SARS."