Local Man Kills God

Cites "Excessive Wind" and "Uneven Ground" in Justifiable Deicide Defense

by christopher taylor

DALLAS--John Rittenbach, pedestrian commuter and Home Depot employee, allegedly stabbed God fourteen times Monday evening following what he described as a "particularly windy walk home from work." Police apprehended the suspect shortly after finding the body in a dumpster outside his apartment complex.

Rittenbach, a veteran of the U.S. Navy and Texas penal system, admitted to the police during questioning to having killed the Judeo-Christian deity, but qualified the statement with an affirmative defense.

"He pushed me too far," said Rittenbach. "First he tipped off the cops about the liquor store, then he turned my wife against me, and then he almost knocks me over while I'm trying to read a magazine on my way home from work."

The District Attorney's office overseeing Rittenbach's case is looking to Interdimensional Law for precedent.

"In this case, we cannot treat the victim as we would a human," explained Assistant D.A. Mark Cohen. "Nor can we treat him as an animal. Our law simply doesn't address Supreme-Being-Slaughter. Does that mean it is legal? We hope not. God was a good god, and his murder should be addressed appropriately."

Rittenbach is being held in Dallas County State Jail, pending trial.