Aging G-d Fails to Deliver on "Ten Plagues for the New Millennium"

by the prophet elijah

CAIRO--G-d began the "Ten Plagues for the New Millennium" campaign, alternately billed as "further punishment for those Anti-Semitic Egyptians" and "a Passover season celebration", last Tuesday, April 8th to mixed reviews.

"He kicked things off by making the water in the Nile slightly more odorous," commented actor and miracle critic Richard Gere. "Compared to blood, that's just lame."

His second effort proved even less noteworthy. "Sending a pair of talking frogs to [Egyptian President] Mubarak's house would have been comical had G-d not kept referring to it as a 'plague'," spouted San Francisco slugger Barry Bonds. "Admittedly, their banter was rather irritating. But come on, L-rd!"

Today's plague, in which a swarm of locusts devoured thirteen loaves of bread in a Cairo bakery, has proved less of a hardship for the Egyptian people than anticipated. "I'm pretty sure that if G-d had just turned the locusts loose, rather than targeted one business, they would have done more damage," suggested talk show host Craig Kilborn.

Other less-than-spectacular events included seeing gnat populations temporarily increase by ten percent on Thursday, and Monday's COD delivery of a slightly damp box of hail.

"When the Oxy Cleaning Pads failed to clean up my complexion on Sunday, I just figured the product took a few days to work. Then I was informed that G-d gave my acne unusual resistance to salicylic acid. What did I do to deserve this?" moaned an anonymous Egyptian teenager.

G-d announced his plans this morning for April 17th's Passover celebration include a quiet Seder with Moses and the slaying of the first-born children in Egypt on those houses with lamb's blood smeared on the door. The latter move is expected to affect few, given that the Egyptian government promptly issued a warning that no one should slaughter lambs in the vicinity of residential doors "for the next few days".

"He's letting them off the hook," whined muscleman and Egypt-hater Arnold Schwarzenegger. "Why doesn't he just repeat last time's formula and make them suffer? I think maybe G-d's gone soft..."

G-d's infallibility doesn't permit him to admit the failure of the "Plagues" project, but he does promise that the "Great Flood for the New Millennium" will "be awesome".