Local Man Supports Troops, Glad Not A Troop

by christopher taylor

MARLBORO, OH--Robert Blakely, a Marlboro High School trigonometry teacher and fifth generation Buckeye, announced that he has decided to "support the troops without reservations" to his class of twenty-five juniors this morning.

"I was originally torn on my feelings about the Iraqi conflict," Blakely stated. "I didn't quite understand why the subject of Iraq was being revived. I assumed that there was some connection between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden, but I've been told by [MHS history teacher] James [Watt] that the Bush Administration hasn't exactly established that."

Just as the fall of Baghdad was occurring, Blakely resolved to "define his position" on the war.

"I said to myself, 'Bob, you have to make a choice. Are you for the troops, or against them?' Then I thought about what that means. If I'm against them, does that mean I want them to die in battle? Well, I don't want anyone dead. So I guess I'm for them. The troops, I mean," Blakely said. "Of course as much as I support them, I wouldn't want to be in their shoes. Iraq is a dangerous place."

"Americans like to see despots overthrown provided it does not infringe upon their lifestyles. Mr. Blakely is a characteristic American in that he supports a bloody cause blindly and without much in the way of consequences," hypocrisy expert and actor Alan Cumming responded. "The solution would be to impose consequences. Such as forcing those that support Bush and his war hawks to fight. Including Bush himself. Alas, I've been here too long; that is an American response. I'm not a very good expert."

Jordan Roberts, one of Blakely students, commented, "I understand how Mr. Blakely feels. Who wants to wish military men ill will? But can we really justify invading another country? I mean, that's what Hitler did. That and the whole mass murder thing..."