Vatican Approves Sex Abuse

by christopher taylor

VATICAN CITY--"The Holy See is fully supportive of the bishops' efforts to combat and prevent such evil" as the growing anti-molestation movement, Cardinal Giovanni Re announced on Monday. "The Church must protect the freedoms of our clergymen, including the freedom to fondle the genitals of young children."

Some priests were delighted by the news. "Does this mean we don't have to kill them afterwards to prevent them from ratting us out?" asked one man of the cloth.

Others expressed concern that the Pope has not done enough to help shield Church leaders from "those damned moralists". One parish leader asked, "When will the See back us up on wanton animal cruelty? When will we see protection from the opposition to plague-carrying blanket distribution campaigns? Why haven't we heard a vote of confidence regarding the support of terrorist cells?"

Pundits expect the backlash to be mild, given the Catholic Church's public image as a provider of charity and a practicer of chastity. "I'd expect all this 'don't touch kids that way' stuff to calm down in a few months," stated Jonathan Frakes, actor and Church apologist. "When people realize all the good the Church does for the world, they'll be offering up their children's nubile bodies to priests voluntarily."