Coke To Manufacture Motor Oil, Burnt Umber Cola

by doug daft

ATLANTA--A few years back, pre-packaged flavored cola products were labeled as "disgusting" by the soft drinking public. But recent successes on the lemony and 'nilla fronts have led to a new found interest in the cola+ research field.

The Coca-Cola Company announced today that it will soon introduce Arabian Coke® and Crayola Coke®.

Arabian Coke® was developed jointly with Pennzoil-Quaker State Company, and reportedly takes on the flavor of used motor oil. "We found that our customers really appreciate all that the automotive industry and the Middle East have done for this country," said Coke's Chief Marketing Officer Stephen C. Jones. "We also found that the cloying sweetness of Coca-Cola Classic® works well with the creamy unctuousness of Quaker State® Peak Performance™. We predict that this product will be more popular than Coke II®."

Crayola Coke®, taking on the flavor of burnt umber, was created with Binney & Smith, Inc. "Crayola means 'greasy chalk'," related David E. Hall, Binney & Smith's VP of Marketing & Sales. "Sounds tasty to me."

"Children are known to consume large quantities of crayons in the solid form. Imagine how much more they would consume if it were easy drinking and addictive," pondered Jeffrey T. Dunn, Coke's Americas Group's President & COO.

PepsiCo, Inc., not to be outdone, is currently researching the feasibility of a "Pepsi Rhone", that would be a cola-wine blend, and "Pepsi AIDS," which would be primarily marketed in over-populated developing countries. "We're looking at a number of options right now," Pepsi President Indra K. Nooyi quipped. "Pepsi will do whatever it takes to retain our title as the premiere producer of cola+ beverage products."