Superbowl Ticket Winners Are Losers

Area Men Contract AIDS in Opie & Anthony "Good Ol' Fashioned Puke-Eating Contest"

by benjy

BOSTON--Two local men were infected with HIV after consuming spoonfuls of clam-chowder-induced vomit as part of a contest on the Opie & Anthony radio program on Friday, February 1st. The men, whose goals included impressing the ever upping-the-ante radio duo and obtaining tickets to the Superbowl, were barely able to choke down the vile substance, dry-heaving their way to "victory," only to find that one of the upchucking contributors had laced the fluid with AIDS-infested blood.

"We weren't aware that one of our earlier contestants had AIDS and bleeding stomach lesions," stated the show's co-host Greg "Opie" Hughes. "It was all just in good fun."

"I apologize for any diseases contracted as a part of our program," lied co-host Anthony Cumia. "Thank god for our legal department."

The men reportedly began to develop non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and tuberculosis within a few hours of the event, likely as a direct result of their diminished T-Cell count. "I examined both men shortly having consumed the vomit," said Dr. Ken Stevens, of Mass General Hospital. "They showed signs of being in the advanced stages of AIDS. This accords with what we know of how the disease spreads; recent studies have concluded that when the disease enters through the body via the digestive system, especially when carried by clam chowder, symptoms often appear within minutes."

One of the contest winners said that at first he was angry with O&A, but has since forgiven them. "After all, no one twisted my arm...much."

The other winner checked with a lawyer regarding the waivers he signed before resigning himself to "a life of homosexual oblivion...and occasional telephone appearances on O&A as the token 'gay because of AIDS' guy."

Jim Norton could not be reached for comment.