Catholic "Conspiracy" Abruptly Ends Chanukah

by christopher taylor

VATICAN--Pope John Paul II announced early this morning that the Jewish holiday Chanukah's sixth, seventh and eighth days have been cancelled due to a lack of worldwide interest. The Vatican justified the holiday's truncated period by claiming that, "the number of Jews throughout the world has diminished in recent years," and "Chanukah is a silly holiday, anyway."

Various bishops throughout Christendom are urged to "encourage local synagogues to celebrate Christmas," in an effort to not disrupt territorial economies' planned holiday rush. "After all," said Bishop Carlos Belo of East Timor, "businesses are counting on the increased shopping at the year's end, and we would not want to jeopardize their position."

A number of Jewish leaders gathered in Jerusalem shortly after the announcement had been made to complain about the Pope's power. "We have worked so hard to come up with a legitimate holiday in December, so that we can compete with these Christians, y'know? And now this guy with a funny hat in Italy can close us down? Something's gotta give, y'know?" shouted Rabbi David Rosen, the director of the Israel office of the Anti-Defamation League.

So far there has been no public statement from the world's Jewish leaders, who have so far only agreed that there was little chance of agreeing. Several fights have broken out between several of the more powerful factions, leading many to believe that Chanukah is, indeed, going to consist of only five days this year.

Billy Cohen, a six year old child of Jewish descent living in the "other side of the tracks" district of semi-urban center New Brunswick, NJ wailed to strangers on George Street, "No! No! Bloody Pope can't take away my best presents. I'm gonna kill him!" Commentators suspect that Cohen, having little experience in assassination, delivered an "empty threat", and thus did not "remove his brain with a straw".