Gubernatorial Election Recount Favors Edgerton; Pundits Suicide En Masse

by christopher taylor

TRENTON, NJ--A week ago Tuesday's governor's race ended in bafflement and self-inflicted gunshot wounds on Sunday night when a routine sampling recount placed the supposed governor-elect Woodbridge Mayor Jim McGreevey trailing gubernatorial candidates Jersey City Mayor Bret Schundler and realtor Mark Edgerton. Several political commentators, upon hearing the news, decided that, "along with the September 11th business, suicide [was] the only reasonable option available."

"How could a Libertarian win in New Jersey? You expect this kind of fool-hardiness in worthless states like West Virginia, where you're given your first gun on your first birthday and where the ever present incest demands exceptional levels of individual freedom; but Jersey?" quaffed Marsha Bronson, an editor with the Trenton Sentinel, before adding a new facial orifice.

While McGreevey's official win is not legally impacted by the recount findings, his stay in office is expected to be plagued by some of the same concerns as President George W. Bush. "Al Gore got his Afghani friends to commit some acts of terror; I expect Edgerton will request that McGreevey be charged more than the standard 6% realty commission when he moves to Trenton this winter," predicted Waldo Jeffries, an ex-journalist and politirocker, just prior to a bout of solitary open heart surgery.

Neither McGreevey nor Edgerton could not be reached for comment.