Night Monkeys Run Amok

Cages® Save Day

by christopher taylor

NEW ORLEANS--A group of nocturnal primates escaped from the Audubon Zoological Gardens last Thursday evening for a "hoot hoot hoot hoot hahoot hoot hoooooot," which roughly translates to "night getting trashed on Bourbon Street."

The wandering males, unusually in a pack-like formation, caught the St. Charles Streetcar near the park and traveled to the end of the line at Canal Street before hooting loudly at the full moon from the balconies that overlook Bourbon. Several managed to procure leftover Mardi Gras beads from passing vacationers by shaving their chest hair. Others stole an alcoholic beverage machine filled with frozen Hurricanes, a New Orleans specialty, and planted it atop blues bar The Funky Pirate. The remaining night monkeys feasted on the leaves of Pat O'Brien's courtyard trees.

City officials took note of the South American immigrants' antics, and resolved to intervene "if anything unusual occurred." When the monkeys began to eat the hair of several tourists, the NOPD acted.

"We contacted the zoo. They supplied us with a new product called a 'cage' in which to place the offending primates. It was a sort of portable jail cell," explained Sergeant Raul Hendrix. "We have ordered several hundred for our own future purposes."

Useful Products, Incorporated, the makers of Cages® commented that "their product would be appropriate throughout the country for animal captures or on-the-spot detainment" of some of the less violent blends of criminals. UPI promised that "the success of Cages® in this incident was not accidental. They are truly a good product."

The AWOL night monkeys were returned to the Audubon Zoo later that evening, just in time for the regularly scheduled morning feeding.