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December 8th, 1999
Monopoly Contains Real Moneyby christopher taylorPAWTUCKET, RI--Hasbro, Incorporated announced that it is recalling over 4 million copies of their Monopoly® board game last Thursday. The successful toymaker accidentally included American currency instead of the smaller "Monopoly money" of similar denominations with every copy of the household staple. In the announcement, the President and COO of Hasbro Herb Baum reminded affected Monopoly®, owners that although they are under no legal obligation to return the "defective" copies, he would "greatly appreciate everyone's cooperation in this extremely trying time," and that he would "personally write a form letter thanking compliant consumers" shortly after the holiday season. He even promised that he would include a $10 gift certificate for any Hasbro products with the letter. Hasbro expects roughly 95% of customers to return the recently purchased games because "they are nothing but sheep and will do anything that we tell them...er, rather, because our customers are generally honest and giving." Alan Greenspan, Chairman of the Federal Reserve, shouted, "their plan will never fucking work! I mean, no one in their right mind is going to send back thousands of dollars to these fucks at Hasbro just because they tell them to." When told that several hundred copies of Monopoly® have already been returned with the money, Greenspan began screaming, "Jesus Fucking Christ! Do ya see? The economy is going to go to shit because of stupid people!" Baum issued a statement to the public early Monday morning, stating, "American consumers, I plead you to heed our recall statement. If you do not, I fear that soon I shall be without a job. Think of the children." |
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