A Public Message from a 360 Pound Virgin (Regarding the Sores on His Genitals)

by george "fatty-fat-fat" baker

I am a fat man. I am a very fat man. I am a grotesquely fat man. Some might call me obese.

In addition to being extremely overweight, I am unpleasant to be around. I am ugly. And ill-mannered. And extremely malodorous.

I understand that, being a fat man, it is highly unlikely that my penis will get much use outside of masturbation and urination. It isn't at all surprising that Mr. Bigglesworth has yet to come in contact with a vagina, a mouth or an anus. And I expect that this virginal trend will continue until I either cave (and visit an especially understanding and expensive prostitute) or die.

So I think we can all agree that it is an especially cruel world that provide a 360 pound virgin with some kind of genital sores.

I'm not an expert on genital sores. I don't know if these are genital warts, herpes, pubic lice or what. But I know they didn't use to be there. And I haven't exactly come in contact with carriers, if you know what I mean. So how did they get there?

I seem to remember learning in health class that you can't get STDs from public toilet seats and such. But maybe I've confused that with pregnancy. Maybe I developed these boils on my penis from shitting at Starbucks.

I was thinking about going to the doctor, but I'm worried that he'll laugh. He always laughs, of course. But now he'll laugh harder. He'll say, "you have a sexually transmitted disease, Mr. Baker. You might want to alert your sexual partners." Then of course I'll have to admit that I don't have any sexual partners. And then he'll laugh.

I was thinking that maybe I could use this as a status symbol. You know, tell girls that I'm taking some kind of prescription for genital sores, or something. And maybe they'd think that I have something going for me. You know, something that makes up for my obesity. But that would probably just backfire. Word would get around that I'm still a virgin, and I'd just seem more repulsive.

Maybe I should just kill myself.