One of my favorite phrases is “metric assload.” Because it implies that there is an Imperial assload, defined by the volume capacity of a particular monarch’s ass, then standardized at a later date in order that it be directly convertible to fluid ounces, gallons, and hogsheads.
Indeed, I’m a little surprised there aren’t more old timeny weight and measure units being thrown around in modernity. Of course, metric makes sense for consistency and whatnot. And should be adopted by all peoples as a standard. But there’s something quaint and culturally rich and downright adorable about ancient units like furlongs, firkins, and foot-candles. And those units should be preserved as marketing materials for posterity. As in, “you can purchase one Imperial barrel per month of organic India Pale Ale for only X lira per month.” So much more satisfying–at least when lives don’t depend upon it–than forcing the quantities into liters and euros. No?
The term “assload” is fairly recent. It probably postdates the UK switch to metric (begun in 1965, but still not 100% finished), and therefore it must be a US customary unit of measurement.
According to the internet, a US women’s standard size 34 garment has a 39″ hip (ass) measurement. A standard Euro size 34 has a 33″ hip. Using this completely unscientific and illogical method, we can determine that a european ass is ~18% smaller than an American ass (damn you Arby’s). Therefore, one metric assload (or “arseload”) is equal to 0.846 US assloads.
The conversion calculation for the US fuck-ton to metric fuck-ton (shag-tonne) is considerably more complicated. It is also probably not suitable for this blog.
Comment by Chip — March 6, 2009 @ 11:12 pm
Chip, I see a few errors in your reasoning. First, according to the Urban Dictionary, a metric assload is quite a bit more than assload. Which makes me wonder if we’re barking up the wrong ass.
Perhaps “assload” doesn’t refer to the volume contained in a pair of human buttocks. Instead, perhaps the “ass” of “assload” is that pack animal of lore: the humble donkey. And, to further speculate, perhaps the Eurasian donkeys are more hearty than their American (or possibly British, depending upon from when the term truly originates) counterparts. Making the load the asses can bear significantly greater. Hence, metric assload > assload.
Of course, the whole point is that the “metric” version of a given unit of measurement is that it isn’t based upon anything in nature, but rather converts to other units easily. For example, a “metric tonne” is exactly 1000 kilograms. But a “ton” in the U.S. is approximately 907 kilograms. Here, it isn’t important that the “metric tonne” is bigger than the “ton,” but rather that they’re about the same–and so useful to describe the same sorts of things–but that the metric version converts easily with ones followed by lots of zeros.
So what I’m speculating is that there was an official “assload” at some point, that had to then be modified somewhat to convert easily to other independently created weights and measures. So now the question becomes who’s and what sort of ass are we talking about?
Also, when the game Shaved or Natural? is checked on this blog, I’m reasonably certain nothing is off-limits.
Comment by Chris — March 7, 2009 @ 9:27 am
I’ve been saying “metric buttload” for almost 20 years. I’m pretty sure I brought it to the Medium, based on my reaction. Just another great idea you stole from me, naziphallus.
Comment by FelixP — March 7, 2009 @ 4:04 pm
For our own standardization process (and amusement) we use multiples of 7 as our basis. Then break in down further to Load, Assload, Metric Assload.
Load = A hefty, but reasonable about
Assload = An absurd amount
Metric Assload = An Ungodly Ammount
2 Loads = Assload
10 Assloads = Metric Assload*
*formulas may be altered if unreasonable
Example when buying a new car.
Load = $35,000
Assload = $70,000
Metric Assload = $700,000+
When buying a house
L = 350K
AL = 700K
MAL = 7 Million
*Metric assload does have to be altered on obvious occasions such as:
Describe someones weight:
L = 210 lb
AL = 420 lb
MSL = 840
Comment by Don — June 18, 2010 @ 11:07 am